"Surrendered Motherhood" author Bled Tanoe finds sweetness in every season
From NICU mom to fierce advocate, Dr. Bled Tanoe chronicles her arduous path to motherhood, finding splendor and renewed faith while caring for her beloved son.
In 2006, Bled Tanoe emigrated from the Ivory Coast, West Africa. She was reunited with her father—who’d moved to the States years before—living in Oklahoma with his wife and three sons.
While learning a new language and adapting to a new culture, Bled began college, earning a Bachelor’s degree in Chemistry from The University of Sciences and Arts of Oklahoma in Chickasha, Oklahoma and a Doctorate in Pharmacy from the University of Oklahoma.
After college, Bled married Jean-Arnaud, her childhood sweetheart, and was naturally expecting happily ever after. But instead, infertility took them on a rollercoaster ride lasting several years. Then, in 2019, Bled's mother unexpectedly passed away.
Unable to travel home to West Africa for the funeral, Bled made the trip later that year. And when she returned, she got the BFP she and Jean-Arnaud had nearly given up hope waiting for. Bled tells her story in her 2022 memoir, Surrendered Motherhood.
In March 2020, Daveed-Immanuel was born with a rare genetic condition. Bled and Jean-Arnaud became new parents—and NICU parents of an infant with special needs—while isolated from family and friends during the pandemic's early days. And while they were worrying about their infant son's health diagnosis and what that might mean, George Floyd's murder by police heightened worries, bringing its own kind of isolation.
“Many times, I was let down. I had to battle for my heart to not hold any hurt. Genetics had changed the course of my journey as a mother. Now, I would have to worry about one more thing: the consequences of my son’s skin,” Bled wrote.
Over the following months, Bled's activist voice grew within her community of Facebook moms: "The weight of being a NICU mom became suddenly lighter as I was sharing with a group of 30K+ moms." Bled began writing and sharing devotionals. She found strength through faith alongside her partner in life, Jean-Arnaud, who Bled says "has silently supported me more than the world understands."
Bled is also the founder of #PizzaIsNotWorking. What began as a Facebook post she made in 2021 while working at Walgreens has grown into a nationwide movement, garnering the attention of major news outlets and creating impactful change. For the past several years, Bled has been inspiring her thousands of “Pharmacy Phriends,” organizing walkouts, and challenging those in power to pay attention to the working conditions in large chain pharmacies.
Dr. Bled Tanoe lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and two children. She practices pharmacy in a hospital setting and is the Vice President of RPhAlly.
Last January, I connected with Bled over Zoom. I'm honored to share our conversation here about Bled’s memoir and personal story. Soon, I'll post Part 2 of our conversation, which focuses on Bled’s pharmacy advocacy work.
Prepare to be wowed by Bled's wisdom, truth-telling, and joyful devotion.
This interview took place on January 19, 2024. The transcript has been edited for length and readability.
Daphne: Your book begins with the loss of your mother. How would you describe what writing and sharing your story of loss meant for you?
Dr. Bled Tanoe: I call my book my therapy session because I feel like it was fitting for that. My mom and I had a bit of a strained relationship. After her death, I had a lot to go through emotionally.
I almost felt like I was being haunted and like I could not look at myself in the mirror. Writing about my mom was very healing for me, because it was revealing parts of the brokenness of my childhood and the need to seek forgiveness really quickly about things I highly regretted or I never had the chance to do with her.
Then in the midst of writing the book, I also lost a personal friend. They didn’t pass away, but the friendship ended. To this day, I still have no idea why. I started realizing that I had to seek forgiveness. And if that didn't come to me, then I cannot be blamed for whatever happened.
I learned an important lesson about having boundaries with people: to make sure my boundaries don’t have hatred for that individual. And that's really, really hard. It’s really hard when someone has wronged you either personally or publicly. It’s hard to not feel some type of way towards that person because it’s a personal attack on yourself. But I’m not perfect; I’m still learning the process.
Daphne: How did your family and friends react to your book?
Bled: People I knew were surprised by a lot of things in the book that I had never shared with them. Also, in terms of culture, if the book were to be published in my native Ivory Coastan French, it would be shocking because we don’t talk about mental health where we're from.
Writing the book also helped deal with the hate I sometimes get from people in the #PizzaIsNotWorking campaign. I know I need to cancel some people. And I hate that. But do I have to hate them? No. Do I have a sense of dislike for them?—maybe a little bit. But do I hate them to the point that if they were coming to ask for forgiveness I would say no to them? No, I would say yes.
Daphne: You described that beautifully. Boundaries are really complicated. And I agree, I think the forgiveness piece is healing. And forgiving doesn't mean you're not acknowledging things. One throughline to your advocacy and writing is about having the hard conversations that need to be had. After having so many, what have you learned?
Bled: There is this tension between the privacy of your life and being able to be authentic. So I am honest with people—so much so that you will think you know me. I will tell you what you need to know, as much as you need to know, but I’m also very private about me. So, it surprises people. Oh, my gosh, really? I didn't know about that. But somewhere I have hinted, though I never told you exactly, or when this was going on.
My husband’s privacy is important to me. But it is the truth that marriage is difficult, right? So I will hint to you that, you know, hey, marriage isn’t all roses and flowers and everything. Marriage is a sacrificial order. But I will never tell you exactly where the tension is because there's another person involved.
There is this tension between the privacy of your life and being able to be authentic.
Daphne: Those seem like healthy boundaries.
Bled: In my book, I talked about the challenges my husband had when our son was born because I felt it was important for people to realize it’s not just the mom who struggles with having kids who are special. No, there is also the father whose dreams have somehow shattered because he had expectations and hopes too. But I didn't really tell you exactly what the struggle was. But you knew something was going on. Because once again, there is personal privacy to protect in the detail.
Daphne: Was there a moment you knew there was no going back to your private Oklahoma life, or was it more of a gradual realization? And do you have any regrets?
Bled: It was both. To this day, a lot of people don’t even know I live in Oklahoma. When the post first went viral, it was just on Facebook. But when I went to the APhA (American Pharmacists Association) meeting the following year, lots of people were saying hi to me and I wanted to disappear. I mean, it was great, but it was overwhelming. That is when I started realizing the magnitude of #PizzaIsNotWorking.
I have always been “who you see is who you get,” and people feel really comfortable when they meet me. So there’s an element of this is really who you are. That’s awesome. And when people tell me they respect what I’ve done, that’s the best thing. But no matter how popular you are, you gotta remember, you live like us, and when you die, you are all going to the same kingdom. Everything about you is still the same.
There is no reason to elevate yourself. I learned that because the first time I met somebody that I really admired on social media, they were absolutely a turnoff in person. I was like, I don't want to be that person. I want to welcome people with warmth and be a person that you can grab coffee with and just hang out with.
Daphne: I imagine it’s pretty overwhelming having so many people share their stories with you. Does it become too much at times?
Bled: People sometimes have an expectation that I have a lot of connections or resources I just don’t have. People ask me about legal counsel for instance. The hardest thing for me is to hear stories that are deep and difficult that end with a question I can’t answer or a need I can’t help with. It can come as a shocker that I don’t have a bunch of people working with me. There is no manager; it’s just me. It is really like five people in my hand and a lot of personal effort.
With a second kid, keeping the communication with the outside world has been difficult.
Daphne: With everything you have going on in your life, do you go to sleep with a jumble of thoughts in your head? Or are you able to shut them off? If so, what helps you clear your mind?
Bled: I manage my own email and social media because of the privacy of some of the content. But staying on top of everything ended up being super overwhelming. So I can’t answer everything anymore. Life has also gotten busier. I’m working more hours. And now I have my daughter. So with a second kid, keeping the communication with the outside world has been difficult.
I try to do no social media content before nine or ten so I can spend time by myself, or read my bible, or workout. And then after that I’ll get on social media. I also have my phone on Do Not Disturb after ten.
Daphne: So you're a few years past the 35 mark. I remember that being the age when the idea of getting older stopped seeming like forever away. What are your thoughts about the age you’re at right now and about growing older?
Bled: The idea of aging never bothered me. In fact, when I turned 30, I was like I love 30! I cannot wait for my hair to turn gray, which people think is really interesting when I say that. So age for me is never a number. Maybe my body aging will be different. But the way I see age is that it’s not really a big deal.
I have an element of being super childish. At the same time, people also say I’m really mature. So I tend to swing between two worlds. I can be very serious one moment, and the next, you might see me at work dancing for no reason or making up songs. I don't think if I’m older there’s only one way to act.
Life is just so fragile. Yes, you do have to behave, and you have to think about the future. I think about my kids. If I'm not here, what's gonna happen to them? All those huge questions I think about 100%. But I don't necessarily feel like, at this age, it’s over or feel a certain way about turning 40.
I have an element of being super childish. At the same time, people also say I’m really mature. So I tend to swing between two worlds.
Daphne: I’m impressed with how balanced your thinking about life is. Finding a sweet spot between hypervigilance and avoidance isn’t easy, but it’s the best place to be. In your book, you talk about the emotional support online communities provided after your son’s birth. Are you able to find the in-person support you need?
Bled: That has been the most difficult thing. In general, parents of special needs kids tend to keep to themselves. Most aren’t open like the way I am because it’s such a private thing. So it’s hard to find that physical support. We have a group of friends. Most of them are single and don’t have kids or they have one or two without special needs. Their journey is very different. So there’s a lot of online support but not much physical support, which makes it very difficult.
Daphne: I have a brother with spina bifida. And I remember that people liked hearing stories about the cute disabled child. And, of course, there are sweet stories like that, but there’s not a lot of comfort talking about all of the other complex things, especially as kids with disabilities get older.
Bled: It's true; I work in a hospital that employs people with special needs. And Daveed is going to grow up to be an adult. He's not going to be cute anymore like people think he is now. He won’t ever be potty trained. So the dynamic is going to change and as a mom, that's probably my biggest fear.
I want Daveed to always be treated with dignity. And I know that as he gets older, that is slowly going away. It's easy to clean poop from a child. But even when he is an adult, he will still be a child. But other people won’t see that.
So yeah, right now it feels cool. Oh my gosh he’s walking. This is exciting. But the reality is that at one point, the story is gonna die. People will see him as an adult. He will be an adult in form, but in mind, he’ll still be a child.
If Joy was a person, I live with him. That’s Daveed.
Daphne: For my brother, the transition period from childhood to adulthood was especially hard because it was less talked about. And it was a hard transition for my mom too. Having conversations that extend past the cute-little-kid phases to whole-life is really important. In your book and social media content, you talk about the things your kids are teaching you. What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far?
Bled: I certainly learned from Daveed. He’s so carefree. I tell people that if he has a toddler tantrum, that's fine. But before that, if Joy was a person, I live with him. That’s Daveed. He’s the happiest little man. He has a sense of being a childlike spirit from his life in the past, or even the future if God allows him to live long.
There is a sense of innocence in him that most kiddos his age don’t have because they’re more developed than him so they give up some of those feelings. So when things happen in my life, I’m like maybe that’s not really a big deal. Not that I can just let everything go. But I try not to get offended by everything.
But I’m human. So I tell people if you have offended me more than what life has done to me in terms of what happened to my kids, my son in particular, may God help you because it means that you have surpassed the pain that I have known as a mom and that's not going to be a really good thing for you.
But if something else happens, I can feel icky about it, but I’ll leave you alone and just move on. Daveed taught me that life happens. Life doesn’t owe you anything. You can either learn from it and move on, or just be stuck and let all your pain go wasted.
Daphne: Your words are going to stay with me. One last question: What's something fun you like doing?
Bled: Two things: I like to be present with people and I love dancing. I'm not a good dancer, but I like the freedom of music and moving my body. I dance at work—it's the most ridiculous thing ever! And I enjoy being with my kids and dancing. I used to read a lot, but that had to slowly die away with everything.
Daphne: You have so much joy in your voice. This was so delightful! Thank you so much.
Coming soon: Part 2 of our conversation focusing on Bled’s pharmacy advocacy work!